27 June 2009

Sometimes

Sometimes there are days when I wish I didn't exist. Not that I was dead, but that all trace of me would be wiped from the fabric of existence. Because sometimes I can't do anything right. And maybe I'm paranoid, but sometimes I wonder if I'm a pawn in a chess game...or chained, given just enough space to feel free before I am yanked back into servitude. Because sometimes I feel like everyone is out to get me...and they are winning...

And sometimes I wonder why I even read romance novels. Happily Ever After? Not in my world. What is happy anyway? Sometimes I think I'm fooling myself into believing that there is a happily ever after somewhere for me. And since it's really the only ray of hope left, the only thing that gets me up in the morning, I'm not sure where that leaves me. Nowhere I guess. No white knight is going to ride in on his horse and rescue me. Why would he? I'm not deserving enough...nothing I do is right. And no matter how hard I try, how hard I fight, there is always one more mountain ahead of me that I have to scale. And it's never easy. It's never a little mountain, a foothill. It's Everest...endlessly. And the funny thing is...people keep telling me that there is an end in sight, that things will get better. But they never do.

And yet somehow I keep on putting one foot in front of the other. Because when I'm alone, in the dark, if I don't cling to hope I have nothing...

17 comments:

  1. Awww, I'm sorry you're feeling sad. I feel like that often, so you're not alone. Luckily, I have a daughter that I'm crazy for, so although my HEA isn't romantic, I have her. Mostly she drives me crazy, but I hold on knowing she loves me back.

    Many wishes of love, happiness and health to you. ((Hugs))

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  2. **HUGS** Reading romance has skewed my outlook on life, but I keep coming back to them because somewhere in the future I will have my HEA and you will also. Keep your chin up.

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  3. Oh, Orannia, I'm so sorry you're feeling so blue, and like everything ahead of you is insurmountable. That is a really tough spot to be in! Really tough and hard and I know it can seem hopeless. Later it won't look that way, but I know that seems impossible now. Trick of the mind.

    And I know just words never help, but you're such a fun, bright, thoughtful and kind person out here in blogland, and I feel sure that if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other like you say you are, you'll get through this. The one rule in life is that nothing stays that same, after all. And this bit about not deserving the white knight? Well, they were smelly anyway. I suspect you probably deserve even better, even though it might not look like that right now.

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  4. ((((Orannia)))) Hang in there babe. I'm not going to tell you things will get better or that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes you just have to persevere. Put on step in front of another and something and hope.

    I'm sure no one is out to get you! You have a whole boat load of bloggie friends to block them.

    You are so WORTHY!!!! I never want to hear you say that your aren't! Take some time and just love your self. Get comfy about who you are: a witty, funny, caring person who is very very beautiful on the inside!!!!
    youa

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  5. I think we've all felt alone and unworthy from time to time. It's hard to reach out...and sometimes harder more to accept the hand reaching for you.

    But we're here, in our invisible, imaginary, internet way. And we want you get through this.

    LB

    PS CJ is right. White knights often come with smelly feet and stained underpants.

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  6. ((Orannia)) Hang in there, sweetie! One day, one hour, one minute at a time is the best way to get through feeling blue.

    Pamper yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend. Before I married, I didn't date much. I learned that rather than wait until someone to came along and treated me nice, I needed to be the one to do those things in the here and now. The future will take care of itself.

    You've got a lot of smart women out here telling you that you ARE deserving and special. We wouldn't be wrong. ;-)

    ((Big hugs))

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  7. Orannia, you have already made many positive differences in other people's lives. You do many things right.

    You are worthy of happiness, now and "ever after"--so take it. Take the time to find out what makes you happy, and then take the time to enjoy it.

    I may be completely off base here, but I gather that it would help distancing yourself--if not literally, at least emotionally--from some noxious personalities which are sucking the joy out of your life.

    I hope you find a way to balance your sense of responsibility towards them (which is one of the many things about you that makes you WORTHY and a wonderful human being) with your right to joy, happiness, a life that fulfills YOU.

    *hugs*

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  8. *hugs* *hugs* *hugs*

    Orannia, I think all the other ladies have said it all. You are a wonderful, intelligent, fantastic person, and are worthy of complete happiness.

    And we are all here for you, to help pick you up and believe in you when you get down on yourself. You are an amazing person - and don't you forget it.

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  9. Oh, honey, I think we all feel this way sometimes. There are days where I wonder why I exist and it drives me up the wall. It's hard to feel upbeat sometimes, but you know what? It's good to know there are other people out there who feel the same way. Email me if you wanna chat. *hugs*

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  10. I've so felt this way before! But this too shall pass my friend! Hang in there and know that you are cared for. You are worthy and you CAN do things right. We're here for you! :)

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  11. Orannia, I have days like this too, and you feel like everything's against you, and you're all alone. But you are not. You have so many friends, so many people who care about you. It's hard to see that sometimes, but it's true. I hope knowing that helps, and that the dark times go away soon. You bring happiness to many people, so of course not everyone's against you. {{{Orannia}}}

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  12. You want me to come and beat someone up for you, sweetie? You know I can be there in half-a-day. Well, maybe longer if NZ customs make a big deal about the boy porn I'll bring with me.

    And, okay, maybe I probably don't look much like a knight in shining armour, but armour, yanno, so passe. On the other hand, I am tall, my hair is currently dark and freckles in some parts of the world are considered handsome. I can't wear white though for the first time we meet to try and get that halo affect happening. It just makes me look fatterer.

    Oh, alright, I'll wear it. Just for you.

    The things we do for the mates we love. ;)

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  13. Thank you all! *hugs* Your words mean more than I can say - they touched my heart so much my keyboard required mopping :)

    It hasn't been the best of weeks, hence the 'outburst', but like you all said, one foot in front of the other. And I do feel better now...sometimes my Pollyanna attitude comes in handy :)

    CJ is right. White knights often come with smelly feet and stained underpants.

    ROFLOL! *makes note to self* White knight with good sense of personal hygiene :)

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  14. You know Mr. Right-NOW is always alot of fun while looking for Mr. Right. ^_^

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  15. (((hugs))) Keep the faith, Orannia. You are definitely deserving of a KISA & a HEA--I only hope they're deserving of you. :)

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  16. *huggles tightly* I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so blue, Orannia. And I wish I could say more than what everyone else has already said. Or at least said it as eloquently as they have, so please forgive me if I don't go repeating everything.

    But you are a wonderful person. *hugs and sends good thoughts*

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  17. Thank you heidenkind and libritouches! *hugs* Your thoughts are very much appreciated :)

    heidenkind - I'm going to show my ignorance, but what's a KISA please?

    Aymless - thank you :) Unfortunately, I think even if Mr Right turned up right now I'd not be ready :) I need to get myself on an even keel (so to speak :)

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