Confession time... I have two very annoying habits: 1) I'm Little Miss Fix-It. I want to fix everything because, from where I'm sitting, content people are less likely to lash out and therefore I am far less likely to be in the firing line; and 2) I want...well, maybe it's more of a need...to be liked, to be...wanted. I crave a purpose, because with a purpose I am necessary. It's like, I have a place as long as I please others, so I do and I fix. I try to be necessary. And yes, that can be incredibly annoying for friends who can't work out why I am trying to 'fix' and 'assist' and...'be of use'.
I'm also constantly seeking approval - I need...validation. And if others approve, then I believe, somewhere, that I am less likely to be pushed away. I'm always anxious - am I getting whatever I am doing/saying wrong? So, I need boundaries/exact parameters for everything...because then I know where the line is (so that I don't step beyond it). I need to be accepted and will compromise in order to receive it rather than trusting that people will accept me for who I am. Because who I am is never enough. I know, it all sounds screwed, but from where I sit it is my reality.
All of this came up in a discussion with the unnamed expert earlier this month as I realized (which I suppose in itself is a positive) that I'm constantly seeking approval/positive reinforcement. It's my coping mechanism. When we're young, we don't know who we are, so we begin to form a sense of self by how others see us - this is known as mirroring. If the mirroring isn't positive...or accurate...then our sense of self is distorted. Thus, the need for validation.
So, where now? It's a case of building my sense of self so that instead of seeking external validation I learn to trust myself and look internally. *puts on hiking boots* This is going to be a long climb...