The wisest mind has something yet to learn.So said George Santayana. And while this past week has been a week of learning, it has reinforced just how far I still have to travel.
I've learnt that I can't dissociate like I used too when emotions come calling. This is supposedly a good thing, but I prefer dissociating to panicking.
I've learnt that I find it next to impossible to relax. This past week I have been on annual leave...and I've, among other chores, cleaned the pantry, composted the vegetable garden, stacked firewood and cleaned the house. I've also attended numerous appointments...until the middle of the week when I cracked and rescheduled a number of appointments. Oh, and I've organized dental appointments for various family members (which is not a good thing as one of my New Year's resolutions for 2010 was to avoid spending my annual leave on the family, because that's all my annual leave was spent on last year - the family. And I still have to suffer through said dental appointments. I can't wait until April is over). Yes, these are all things you want to do when you're exhausted and haven't had a break since who knows when. But...I seem to have this compulsion to complete chores. If I don't, I feel guilty. Why? I'm still not quite sure. Reading is something I do to relax; I read during meals, but only because I can't fix/sort/organize something while eating, or at the end of the day when I'm in bed. But outside of those times...reading is hard.
I've learnt (again) that I'm a control freak, who likes order, rules and defined boundaries. And my current job, unlike my previous one, doesn't really have rules and defined boundaries - there is no right or wrong...every project is different. And I've realized that I'm just not built for that. At least now I know why I find my job so difficult. Not sure if that helps much though.
I've learnt that I'm petrified of being a narcissist. I know everyone has narcissistic tendencies to a greater or lesser degree..but I live in fear of becoming like certain family members.
I've also learnt that I LOATHE invasions into my privacy. With a passion! If someone invades my privacy then I am vulnerable. Not good for a control freak.
So, up until Thursday this week was...hell. And then I started reading By Degrees (JB McDonald). This was one amazing book - I laughed in places, held my breath in others. And the tenderness the characters demonstrated - it was so beautiful it hurt. (And the tension *grin*) Plus...apart from a few differences (one of which is that I'm female), one of the characters and I are very alike. Reading a book in which I can relate to a character is rare. But there I was, on the page, in black and white. And...I didn't feel...so alone....so abnormal. This character doesn't like to touch or be touched...like me; this character is a control freak...like me; this character worried they were asexual or frigid - the steps they took to try and ascertain otherwise...I took those same steps; and like me this character has anorgasmia. I wrote the author an incredibly gushy and TMI email because I wanted her to know how much this book meant to me. At the beginning of the book, I honestly thought that the author would sidestep the issues raised, as happened in a book I discussed in a previous post (Baggage). But the issues didn't vanish; there was no quick fix but slow character development and growth. And it gave me hope.
By Degrees will join a small but select list of book that have spoken to me. These include Blackmailed into Marriage (Lucy Monroe), Blue-Eyed Devil (Lisa Kleypas) and Mine to Possess (Nalini Singh). So, if it's not too personal a question, have you ever read a book that speaks to you? (And yes, I know I asked this question just over a year ago [in a post entitled Avoidance], but I'm curious if, the past year, you have made any new discoveries.)
Edited to add TMI warning.