05 April 2011

Loss

With life comes loss. It is...inevitable. But, no matter how much you know that it is inevitable, you still try to stave it off. Still try to hold on...until you can't.

I don't think there are words for how I feel ATM. Well...perhaps there are, but none seem to fit. When you accept responsibility for something you do so with the understanding that there will be a price, and you can't flinch when it comes due. And when you receive unconditional love you do so with the understanding that you have it for as long as it lasts...and no more.

Today I had to make a decision I have been dreading. It was the right decision and I am holding on to that thought with everything that I am. But..it was beyond hard. I feel like I betrayed the one thing in this world that loved and trusted me unconditionally. (I feel like I let him down.) But it was because of that love, that trust, that I had to make the decision I did. I had to do what was right for him regardless of how I felt. I owed him that. But there are so many things that I will miss. Being greeted when I come home. The way he used to fling himself on the bed with complete abandon. The way he would herd me to bed when he wanted to go (to bed)..and wanted the cat version of a hot water bottle present. The way he would not to subtly hint that it was time for me to light the fire...and the way he would watch me light the paper and kindling. (He was so a closet pyromaniac.) And the way he would lie in front of that fire all day (I will confess to lighting it early on the weekends just for him.) But what I will miss most of all...is him not being here. I'll miss knowing I have something to come home to...because he made this house a home, and without him it feels empty. He loved me...exactly as I am. It didn't matter what I said, or didn't say, whether I was perfect. Because to him I was....exactly right.


I will miss him more than I can say...