12 August 2011

Confrontation

I don't deal well with confrontation. I literally do all I can to avoid it and, when that fails, I revert to the tried and true method of compromise. That I know. From my perspective, people fall into two categories - safe and unsafe. (And by safe I mean likely to act rationally/unlikely to turn on me simply because I am in the way of whatever it is they want.) It's a very black and white way of looking at things...a child's way. An adult has the ability (whether they use it is a subject for another post) to see the shades of grey within a confrontation, to understand that people are human and that they make mistakes. A child simply breathes the fear...of making a mistake, of being...noticed. The panic is...stifling.

I'm coming to realize that...parts of me, the real me, are still that child. That frightened child. Especially when confronted.My sole aim becomes to evade notice, to survive the encounter - it's a prey response...a child's response. And when the confrontation is over I pick it apart, trying to work out what it was that I said or did (or didn't do or didn't say) to cause the confrontation. Because I blame me.

Knowing this is one thing, applying it...a whole different kettle of fish.

6 comments:

  1. OMG I feel this post 100%. Avoid confrontation at (almost) any cost - yes, that's my motto.

    Hope things are well and that this was just a random post.

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  2. Oh, I hate confrontation. I kind of panic, then feel cornered and get defensive. *sigh*

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  3. Score me as another in the "gods, how I HATE conflict" camp.

    I feel like I deal with it a bit better than I used to, but that's a relative term: if dealing with it perfectly were a 100%, I feel like I've maybe moved from a 2% to a 5%... if numbers even have any meaning.

    The ironic thing is that with both a psych and a communication background, I *know* umpteen billion (who me? exaggerate?) helpful conflict resolution techniques. I *know* conflict can be good and healthy. I *know* that a lot of the time it isn't personal.

    BUT.

    As you say - knowing it's one thing. Learning to apply it can take a lifetime :-S

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  4. Everyone is a kid on the inside. Growing up is more of a process that's never complete. :)

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  5. Patti - my motto too :) And it was kind of a random post, but also kind of not (if that makes sense).

    Chris - yes. I always panic and feel cornered, but I end up just compromising rather then getting defensive just to make it go away. That's why the closet is so appealing...

    starfirenz - learning to apply it can so take a lifetime :) And YAH for progression. I don't think I've progressed at all, I'm just...more aware :)

    heidenkind - LOL! Yes, I agree - it's definitely a work in progress, for all :)

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  6. I don't like fighting but mostly it's because I'm afraid of what will happen when I lose it... I'm full of rage :)

    I try to mind my own business and ignore the silliness, but if you cross me, then it's game on. I'm most known in my extended family for my confrontational behavior, I'll call them out in a second if I feel they've over-stepped or are lying. I hate being spoken about, especially if it's lies. Also, if they're talking about me behind my back... expect a call from me. If you're bold enough to say it behind my back, you can say to my face.

    When we were young, my baby brother would always get me when he was having issues with people. No one messes with my family... I get this from my dad; we're scrappers. I'll get down with whoever, whenever...

    I've been working on my inner rage and calming that down so that I can pretty much ignore the craziness around my extended family. My daughter has really helped me get perspective on consequences, but its still hard sometimes when someone pushes my buttons or starts in on my immediate family... I go straight to protect mode.

    You should come to NJ, we can teach each other stuff: you to fight; me to calm down :)

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