07 September 2011


According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary:

Butterfly • noun 1 any of numerous slender-bodied diurnal lepidopteran insects including one superfamily (Papilionoidea) with broad often brightly colored wings and usually another superfamily comprising the skippers. 2 something that resembles or suggests a butterfly; especially: a person chiefly occupied with the pursuit of pleasure. 3 a swimming stroke executed in a prone position by moving both arms in a circular motion while kicking both legs up and down. 4 plural: a feeling of hollowness or queasiness caused especially by emotional or nervous tension or anxious anticipation. 5 a defensive move by a goalie in ice hockey executed by dropping to the knees while spreading the lower legs outward.

I has had them this week. (The fourth definition in case you were wondering.) Lots of them. Whirling around inside. Why? Well...I was worried how a certain family member would respond to a text I sent. Yeah. A text. And what scandalous and insulting things did I include in this text? I requested the removal of certain items that I have been storing for this family member...for almost 3 years. Items I've been asking him to remove for...about a year. So, did I set an impossible deadline for the removal of these items? Well...how does early December sound to you?

It's been 2 days since the text was sent. I've had a response...on an entirely different matter. The request and the deadline have been - to all intents and purposes - ignored. I'm not sure what is worse. Ignoring the deadline completely (which is so far the case) or ringing me and telling me it's not going to happen.

See, such situations are where the 'child' appears. The child remembers how an older family member reacted when something didn't go exactly how he wanted it too. He got angry. (Think temper tantrum. The whole nine yards.) I..remember that. I...lived that. I know this family member does the same thing (perhaps because he learnt by example) and I...hunch...waiting for the blow. IDK. I want to believe I can back myself. Stand firm if this family member gets angry at my 'presumption'. Because that's what it feels like. I don't feel like I'm standing on firm ground though. It feels like quicksand. I keep checking the phone...the phone I've unplugged. *hangs head*

When explaining how I felt to a friend earlier this week they asked me what was the worst that could happen. This family member can rant, yes? And...looking at it logically, that doesn't seem like much. Seems survivable, right? Yes, but...no. The thought of facing that...rage? Terrifying. The thing is, in the grand scheme of things it's probably not that scary. There are far more scary situations that people face every day. Maybe I'm just a coward...

As the days tick over and the likelihood of contact diminishes...so too do the number of butterflies. But they never fade entirely.

So, if you don't mind me asking, what gives you butterflies?


  1. You're not a coward.

    You're just stuck dealing with the aftermath of a sucky childhood situation.

    Which, unsurprisingly, sucks.

  2. Kerry nailed it. And early December?!? Dang, that's way more than generous. I wish I was there. I'd help you box the stuff and deposit it on this person's lawn. It would be satisfying, albeit a bit childish. :D

  3. Kerry - thank you. *hugs* And thank you for being here, for listening to the endless (repetitive) ranting. Baby steps to...getting past it. To quote Stargate 'And we're walking' *grin*

    Chris - thank you. *hugs* Interesting you mention the lawn...had that suggestion, along with the NZ equivalent of eBay...and one suggestion of burning :) Am going to stick to this deadline (there have been others that I have let pass - that my bad). I can do this... And I appreciate the offer as I know if you were here you'd help. And knowing that...means a lot! *squishy hugs*

  4. Aw, sweetie that sucks. I think you're very generous to allot him the amount of time that you did. Chris is a kinder person than I am, I'd be taking the stuff to goodwill come December! *hugs*

  5. Ah, family. :p I'd send him/her a text at the end of November mentioning if they want their stuff, they can pick up up by suck-and-such a date; otherwise, you're donating it. kthnxbai

    Conferences make me nervous!

  6. Shell - thank you. Almost a week after I must confess to feeling like a snivelling, whiny idiot. (In other words, I'm feeling more confident about resolving the situation to my satisfaction and standing up for myself :) Am thinking of renaming the blog Whineabout though :) *hugs*

    heidenkind - LOL! I like it. Thank you :) *hugs* Conferences huh? All the people or the speaking? For me it would be both. I'm petrified of saying or doing the wrong thing at the wrong time...

  7. I think you've done the right thing in telling the person that they need to take care of their stuff and if they want storage they can rent a unit.

    Regarding the rage. If the person rants on the phone - well, you can always hang up. If the person tells you they're coming over invite a friend to be with you so that you can feel more protected against whatever the person comes up with. Also, the family member may keep themselves more in check because there's someone they don't know there. You need to protect yourself!

    I think the December deadline is MORE than fair. If they don't pick their stuff up you can donate it to a local charity OR if you're really nice dump it on their doorstep and walk away. Not like they weren't warned. :)

  8. Tracy - thank you. All brilliant suggestions! *hugs*