26 November 2011

Accommodate

According to the Oxford English Dictionary:

Accommodate • verb [with object] 1 (of a building or other area) provide lodging or sufficient space for:the cottages accommodate up to six people. 2 fit in with the wishes or needs of:any language must accommodate new concepts. [no object] (accommodate to) adapt to: making users accommodate to the realities of today’s marketplace.

I get that I'm not an easy person to be friends with. I really do. Eccentric isn't the word I would use to describe me. Annoying would be a better choice. So would difficult and inflexible. I don't...react logically to just about anything. I don't react the way most people do to just about anything. I get that my friends have to...accommodate me. What I don't get is why. TBH I don't believe I'm worth that accommodation.

It was brought home to me today in no uncertain terms (by a family member) that I'm selfish and inflexible. That I always seem to make something big out of something little. That I don't appreciate the sacrifices others make. (And...said family member has a point.) So this is me saying I'm really grateful that, knowing all this, my friends put up with me anyway. I don't ever want to take them for granted.

16 comments:

  1. I don't know much about your family situation but personally? I would present the facts (what was said and by whom, regarding what) to the unnamed expert.

    I'm having a feeling the selfishness lies on the other side of the exchange. In fact, I would bet on it.

    (((orannia)))

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  2. Yes. What azteclady said. I'd say selfishness and an attempt to manipulate you, at the very least.

    *BIG HUG*

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  3. Me again. I've been thinking about this, and I have to wonder if, as you work to try to change how you deal with your family, they are reacting defensively to try to keep you where you've always been. Change is terrifying, and sometimes people will do a lot to preserve the status quo... consciously and unconsciously.

    That's on them, not you.

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  4. I find that at times the ones doing the accusing of selfishness are the ones that are really the selfish ones only they are doing it in a passive aggressive kind of way and the ones being accused of selfishness are just standing up for themselves.

    And as for me, I like eccentric. When my sister calls me odd, I consider that a compliment even if she may not mean it as one *g*

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  5. Bullshit. I call complete and utter bullshit.

    What about all the times you have been there for me over the past year, Orannia? The fact that you went out of your way to tell me that you were thinking of me and offering your support. Was that selfish??

    What about the post you did the other day about Andrej Pejic and the 'embrace the rainbow' campaign? You talked there about the challenge you, like me, had with the fluid nature of people, and your realisation that people are just that, people. Was that inflexible?

    I don't ever want to hear you say such things about yourself again, Orannia. Never again. *hugs tight*

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  6. azteclady - *nods* That's exactly what I'm going to do (although my memory is shocking). I can see this person's POV and...well, I can see why they find me exasperating. *hugs*

    And I must tell the unnamed expert she's famous :)

    Chris - thank you :) *hugs* I think this person just sees things in a completely different way to me (everyone does) and...I think I react to anything said or done...badly. I'm constantly tense around them and it comes across.

    And that's a really good point. I've always...compromised, done what the family wanted in order to not have such incidents as yesterday...occur. And now I'm standing up for myself more, being selfish I guess (although that isn't necessarily a bad thing) and...it's not what they are used to. Really good point and something to ask the unnamed expert - thank you :)

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  7. You are very welcome. There is nothing wrong with seeing the world on a tangent to how most people see the world. :) I'm pretty sure that's part of why I enjoy your posts and our conversations so much... because I see things similarly.

    It's actually a place of power - it allows you to have insights that others don't.

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  8. Kristie(J) - *nods* That's a really good point. I just stood there like a stuffed fish and said...next to nothing during the final exchange. The whole thing just feels... IDK. Again, I can see why they are mad, and I think because I am constantly tense around this person means I react badly in most situations that involves them...which doesn't help. This is me accepting responsibility for my part in it, because I played a role. The funny thing is, although I'm upset at what happened, part of me is relieved because I can walk away. I think it would be best for both of us because we really are oil and water.

    Kris - *hugs* Thank you sweetie! I think...when it comes to this person, like I said above, I react badly around this person. I've tried to explain why I react the way I do (and that I'm working through this), but...it's like this person hears the words and makes the right noises, but then ignores everything when I try and explain that something doesn't work for me. We are so very, very different...and I think this person recognizes subconsciously that I'm...tense...and it makes him tense and everything just goes pear-shaped when there is a small bit of conflict. It just snowballs.

    I had an incident the other week with a friend. We got into a discussion about something and I reacted to it like I react to all discussions where I feel like the person isn't listening to what I am saying, where I feel like there is a wall in front of me and no matter how loud I scream no one will hear me. (Reminds me of another family member.) I wanted the conversation to end, but since I couldn't seem to say that and I was getting frustrated I walked away. My friend and I have talked it through (how I felt, how they felt) and in future I will tell them when I want a conversation to end. It will be hard (for me) to do, but I will do so. Unfortuantely, with the aforementioned family member it feels like I'm always talking to a wall. And TBH that could all just be in my head. *SIGH* I'm going to be in therapy for decades sorting out my weird-a*s psyche! Baby steps :)

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  9. Chris - thank you :) Actually, all this therapy is interesting in that I'm learning to look at things in so many different ways. And hopefully becoming a better person from it. *hugs*

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  10. Orannia: "I'm going to be in therapy for decades sorting out my weird-a*s psyche! Baby steps :)"

    Ditto, and, yes, definitely baby steps.

    *whispers* I changed my routine this morning and it's making me feel a wee bit anxious, but I'm determined! :)

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  11. Since when did you start being selfish? 1. I have never noticed this, in fact I've noticed that you're the opposite; and 2. sometimes people need to be selfish to protect themselves. I don't know the details of your family sitch, obvs, but I think you should do what's best for you and not other people.

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  12. Standing up for yourself is not selfish--to the people you are standing up to will, certainly, tell you that.

    When people (i.e., family members) are used to having someone at their beck and call, or as a meek whipping boy/girl, they don't take it kindly when the target stops being available.

    If heaping abusive accusations on said target has worked, in the past, to bring things to where the abuser wants them to be, they'll heap larger doses of abuse on the target--i.e, the 'you are so selfish, you've always been so selfish' accusation--in an effort to return to their preferred status quo.

    Don't give in, orannia. Looking after yourself is not selfish, it's sane.

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  13. I think that your family member doesn't really see the true you and it doesn't seem that they want to. From what I've read on this blog you're a caring and giving person and thank you, I'll stick with my thoughts. :)

    And the friends who accommodate you are the true friends who love you for you - not who they want you to be or think you should be.

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  14. Kris - IMHO baby steps will get us there eventually...sometimes slow and steady is a good way to go :) And I hope your new routine is treating you well! *whispers* I hate changing my routine too.

    heidenkind - thank you :) The unnamed expert said the same thing (WRT selfishness). Some selfishness is necessary.

    azteclady - that is a really good point. The unnamed expert also used the word 'projecting'. It's been an interesting week. I have learnt that I need to not react...which I do...with everything. It's hypervigilence 101 - LOL! I need to take a step back, a deep breath, think about what I want to say/do...and then say/do it :) Won't be easy, but I will try.

    Tracy - *hugs* Thank you sweetie. I'm all gooey now :)

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  15. SAY WHAT??!

    Honey, you have it completely backwards! Or rather, THEY have it completely backwards and somehow have the power to make YOU believe it. Arggh!

    What Chris says here:
    [...] they are reacting defensively to try to keep you where you've always been.

    Was my immediate reaction before I even clicked over here to the comments. I am SURE of it.

    I swear I feel like jumping on a plane right now and straightening said family members out! Gah! Since that's not really practical, I'm going to advise you to read all the above comments over again and tuck them inside your mind and heart. We know what we're talking about.

    xo

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  16. Christine - thank you sweetie! *hugs* Had a good conversation with the unnamed expert late last week and am feeling better about it all and have some things to work on - don't I always :) *hugs*

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