Instigation • noun [mass noun] the action or process of instigating an action or event. Origin: late Middle English (in the sense 'incitement'): from Old French, or from Latin instigatio(n-), from the verb instigare (see instigate).
I loathe instigating...anything. Why? Because by doing so I feel exposed. I feel...vulnerable. I feel...open to be judged that what I have instigated isn't worthwhile.
This all from earlier this week when I realized that I had received no comments on a post. No big deal, right? Wrong. The fact that this is the first post not to receive comments in 3 years of blogging doesn't factor in. Because I'm always about what is wrong, not what is right. To me, a post with no comments indicates an uninteresting post, a boring post. A post that isn't good enough. And I worry that if the post is not good enough then I am not good enough... (I know, it sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? At least I'm come far enough to know that.)
But all of the above is the reason why I have been sitting on a post. In 2010 and 2011 I joined I Heart Paperbacks' M/M Romance Challenge. And I loved it, Unfortunately, I Heart Paperbacks appears to be offline and so the challenge is not happening :( And no one else appears to be hosting it :( So...I thought about hosting it. And then the fear started. That no one would join. (Yes, even though six people other than myself have joined the 2012 Big Book Challenge.)
But...the thing is, a post isn't about others. This blog isn't about others. It is about me. For me. So whether people comment or not, or join challenges or not, isn't the point. I'm always telling others that their blog is about them and they can do what they want on it. And yet I don't take my own advice. If this is something that I want to do, if it is something that makes me happy (and doesn't hurt anyone else) then...why not do it?
Remember the quote from my previous post entitled Thoughts on Double Blind? The one about the wheel? I read it (and the other quote) out to the unnamed expert this week and realized that I was doing exactly what the character (Ethan) was. I keep waiting for things to go right. And by right I don't necessarily mean what I deserve but more in terms of balance. Except the wheel isn't about me. It isn't about anyone. It just is. And as the quote said:
You had to go and be your own wheel.And that's when I realized that's what I have to do. (The unnamed expert was grinning away at me when I said this.)
So...here's me, being my wheel. Look out for the 2012 M/M Romance Challenge...coming to a blog near you! In other words this one *grin*