27 April 2013

My Little Secret

In February, which seems like forever ago, I wrote a post entitled Random Thoughts in which I mentioned that I had decided to add an 'Unread' category to Stanza (my iPhone reading app).
Well I did that. And the count was 127… *faints* And then I went out and bought two more books! Which is, of course, totally the correct response when one has 127 unread books on the reading device! As of today the count still stands at 127 because I've manged to read two books on the Unread list, including the just finished Prey (Andrea Speed). But upon finishing Prey I decided to re-read (for the third time) Rolf & Ranger's Three Traders...I don't think I'm ever going to get that number down!
So, spillage time! How many unread (I originally wrote undread….LOL!) books do you have? And, if one has unread books, should one set up a rule – read one new book, one unread book…or should that be, one new book, two (or three) unread books…or one new book or re-read, two (or three) unread books…. GULP!

26 April 2013


So much for my great plans at the beginning of the month in which I hoped to be online a bit more :( The best laid plans of mice and men I guess...

I was in the process of writing another post entirely. Hopefully I'll post that on Sunday. It's more happy happy and about books. This...this is just me blurting out what's in my head. In my favourite series - Falls Chance Ranch (FCR) - one of the characters (Flynn) tells another (Dale) to just blurt out what's in his head when he's chewing on something. That is doesn't have to be right. He (Dale) just has to get it out and then they can sort it out. Together. So that's what this is...

The last two days have been...horrible (in a word). Horrible in that I've been dealing with issues - issues that have cropped up before - on behalf of a particular family member who is unable to advocate for herself. And...I just feel like I'm drowning. I realized tonight that I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to be the go-to person. The constant responsibility is...so heavy; I don't feel like I have time to breathe. I'm either all go or all stop. Plus, it annoys me no end that, according to the Government, I deserve absolutely no remuneration for all of the time and effort advocating for this family member entails. I'm not asking for squillions. Just for some recognition from them that this advocacy role is important. That what I do is important. And valued. (Not by the family member who doesn't understand this at all, but by...I don't know....others?) It probably wouldn't be so bad if this was a short-term advocacy. But it won't be. It will be decades. And if I had time to be an advocate, instead of having to squeeze it in among everything else. The thing is, I made a promise to my mother that I wouldn't spend my life looking after various family members. And while I don't on a day-to-day basis I do...look after them. Their finances. Their health and welfare.I'm their advocate for all of this. And every so often (like on Wednesday afternoon) it all blows up in my face and I realize beneath the small mess is numerous small messes And larger messes. And I know the unnamed expert keeps telling me that I have to learn that I don't need to do everything now, but...it just sits there and it nags and nags and nags at me. And I have to do it because if I don't it's there and I can't sleep and my diet goes out the window because I stress eat. And I have to sort...it. Everything. It's times like this that I realize I have no resilience - if a family issue raises its head I fall apart just like that. Obviously family is a trigger. But there is no one else to do this. Unless it's a stranger. And then I feel guilty that I could even think (even for an instant) about walking away.

I don't think there is an answer. I can't click my fingers and have this all be sorted. Or be magically transported to FCR. Or suddenly get my job. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And part of me will want to delete this post. Or try and excuse it tomorrow. But...it's where my head is at now. But overnight I'll put my Pollyanna hat on, and tomorrow will be a new day. The issues are under control. For now. So I can enjoy the weekend. But I have a list of things that need to be done next week. Because people don't often do what they say they will so I have to follow up. And don't be surprised if I finish my current book and you see my re-reading one of the FCR books. Because if I can't transport myself there literally, then perhaps I can do so figuratively *grin*

02 April 2013

The Earth Isn't Flat

No sirree it's not. Which means I haven't fallen over the edge. I've just been...not online so much of late. March was a....messy month. And by messy I mean I just seemed to spend a lot of time attempting to make my 'to do' list smaller and getting to the end of the month and looking back and not really feeling like I had got anywhere. Story of my life.

But...it's April, so I figured I could start over :) So, here's me, hoping to be online a bit more this month than I was last month. 'Cause, it's not like I can use the falling off the edge of world excuse :)

So, what have you been up to in the last month?