26 April 2013

Blurting

So much for my great plans at the beginning of the month in which I hoped to be online a bit more :( The best laid plans of mice and men I guess...

I was in the process of writing another post entirely. Hopefully I'll post that on Sunday. It's more happy happy and about books. This...this is just me blurting out what's in my head. In my favourite series - Falls Chance Ranch (FCR) - one of the characters (Flynn) tells another (Dale) to just blurt out what's in his head when he's chewing on something. That is doesn't have to be right. He (Dale) just has to get it out and then they can sort it out. Together. So that's what this is...

The last two days have been...horrible (in a word). Horrible in that I've been dealing with issues - issues that have cropped up before - on behalf of a particular family member who is unable to advocate for herself. And...I just feel like I'm drowning. I realized tonight that I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to be the go-to person. The constant responsibility is...so heavy; I don't feel like I have time to breathe. I'm either all go or all stop. Plus, it annoys me no end that, according to the Government, I deserve absolutely no remuneration for all of the time and effort advocating for this family member entails. I'm not asking for squillions. Just for some recognition from them that this advocacy role is important. That what I do is important. And valued. (Not by the family member who doesn't understand this at all, but by...I don't know....others?) It probably wouldn't be so bad if this was a short-term advocacy. But it won't be. It will be decades. And if I had time to be an advocate, instead of having to squeeze it in among everything else. The thing is, I made a promise to my mother that I wouldn't spend my life looking after various family members. And while I don't on a day-to-day basis I do...look after them. Their finances. Their health and welfare.I'm their advocate for all of this. And every so often (like on Wednesday afternoon) it all blows up in my face and I realize beneath the small mess is numerous small messes And larger messes. And I know the unnamed expert keeps telling me that I have to learn that I don't need to do everything now, but...it just sits there and it nags and nags and nags at me. And I have to do it because if I don't it's there and I can't sleep and my diet goes out the window because I stress eat. And I have to sort...it. Everything. It's times like this that I realize I have no resilience - if a family issue raises its head I fall apart just like that. Obviously family is a trigger. But there is no one else to do this. Unless it's a stranger. And then I feel guilty that I could even think (even for an instant) about walking away.

I don't think there is an answer. I can't click my fingers and have this all be sorted. Or be magically transported to FCR. Or suddenly get my job. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And part of me will want to delete this post. Or try and excuse it tomorrow. But...it's where my head is at now. But overnight I'll put my Pollyanna hat on, and tomorrow will be a new day. The issues are under control. For now. So I can enjoy the weekend. But I have a list of things that need to be done next week. Because people don't often do what they say they will so I have to follow up. And don't be surprised if I finish my current book and you see my re-reading one of the FCR books. Because if I can't transport myself there literally, then perhaps I can do so figuratively *grin*

11 comments:

  1. Hugs. Just be sure you take care of you. If you aren't healthy,. you can't help anyone else

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    1. Thank you sweetie. Very true words and I need to remember them. Feeling better today, mostly because I'm ignoring the big monster lurking in the corner. I'll acknowledge him next week and try and tackle him in small pieces - it's when I see the whole that I get overwhelmed.

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  2. This is such an honest post that I hope you don't delete it. I really need to write up one of these posts. Did it make you feel any better for having gotten everything off your chest? I hope so.

    Big hugs Orannia!

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    1. Thank you. And, yes, it did help getting it all down. Now, as I said to Iv, I'm ignoring it...at least for the weekend. I'll see the unnamed expert on Thursday so I'll chat it through with her.

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  3. *HUGS*

    It's hard for me to imagine, because I'm the least settled and responsible family member of an overall very together family. I think I'll appreciate that a little more, reading about what you and Eyre and others have to deal with re: family.

    Do you feel better for having gotten it out? Sometimes writing things down helps me organize my thoughts, see things differently, visualize other options. Hopefully it was likewise helpful for you...

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    1. Thank you *hugs* Feeling better now. And it is good to get it out. I used to be a bottler. That's...not a good way to deal with it. I have a couple of thoughts about action plans, but I'm going to try and hold out until I talk to the unnamed expert...and not jump in and try and fix everything all at once.

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  4. It sounds like you need to let some things go for your own sanity. If they crash and burn, that's what happens, but you can't control everything.

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    1. Thank you Tasha. The thing is, if I let this go then this particular family member has no one. And I'm not quite sure if I can do that. Well, I can, I guess. I'm just not sure if I could cope with having to do that. But maybe I might have to. I'm beginning to wonder though if certain other parties know I'll pick up the slack and so aren't pulling their own weight... Up until now though, it's been more trouble to call them on it that to just fix the problem... Maybe it's time to do the former...

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  5. As much as you need to help others you need to remember to help yourself as well. Don't go so overboard that you make yourself sick because then you won't be helping anyone.

    I'm thinking of you and hoping life calms for you soon. {{big hug}}

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    1. Thank you Tracy. I think my problem is I still have to learn that I don't have to do everything instantaneously...I'll keep trying though :)

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  6. (((orannia)))

    I know I'm not the only one who wishes to help you--in any manner of help that you would feel helpful (curiously enough, I often find that well intended advice is not helpful, because it obviates my feelings, limitations, weaknesses, daily circumstances and personality--we are not a mathematical equation, and what looks good on paper is often disastrous in real life).

    But I do think of you, often, and hope things get better.

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